True Life: God Laughs at Me

(Disclaimer: this is a long one...)

If I were to describe my life in a single sentence it would be: “My life is comprised of emergencies connected by awkward pauses.” Often times, I think that said emergencies are scripted for an episode of MTV’s True Life. Yes, just think of me as MTV’s next rising reality star, who made her debut on “True Life: God Laughs at Me.” I am this year’s Trek and/or Melissa Rycroft.

Last night was an example of a script worthy set of emergencies. See potential script below.

Scene 1: Happy Go Lucky
(Set scene: 4:37PM, pouring rain, clouded sky, thunder (okay, the thunder is a minor over dramatization.) Enter Kristin, in [cute] work outfit, [non waterproofed] rain jacket, alertly running to car in an event to avoid racoon.)

I left work today feeling powerful. Despite feeling as though my head might fall off and that my eardrums might pop, I successfully launched my first true solo project at work. I beat the corporate monster while feeling completely miserable! Very productive day at work; job well done!

(Pan to devil hiding in corner, who proceeds to laugh evilly, foreshadowing the events to come. Pan back to Kristin who is unaware of her impending doom.)

Scene 2: The Realization
(Set scene: 4:45PM, Kristin driving in almost pure silence to nurse her headache away. Heat blaring, rain continuing to fall heavily. Kristin’s interest perks when she hairs a noise coming from the back of her car.)

As I am sitting in my car, listening to nothing but the throbbing shooting from my ears, I begin to hear a low roar coming from the back of my car. I turn down the blazing heat and the small lull of the radio to most astutely listen to the lurking noise. I break, and as I do so the noise dies. I speed up, it builds. My first thought? “If it is that mother-effing tire, I swear to God I will leave you right here and never look back,” obviously speaking to Sass.

I pull over. Get out of the car, and slyly walk to the back passenger side of my car, you know, incase the tire doesn’t know I am coming, and magically re-inflates when no one is looking. What do I find? The flat, just as she was, if not 14 days ago. Insert swearing, stomping, and a new dog friend watching my throw my tantrum.

Scene 3: The Phonecall(s)
(Set scene: Kristin, defeated, sitting back inside the car. Raining heavier than before.)

After calming myself down, I realized the tire wasn’t going to change itself. I first call Sullivan Tire to inquire whether my new, brand spanking new, tire had any kind of service warrantee on it; I was thinking something like a “damsel in distress” package. No dice. The next call was to AAA, where I was politely told my wait time was 90-160 minutes. The next phone call was to speed dial #4: home. Here enter tears.

Scene 4: The Fix
(Set scene: Kristin, now completely drenched with mascara running down face is now standing outside attempting to change tire. Here enter Dad, my port in a storm…literally.)

After lifting the car, somehow extracting the flat, and putting on the new wheel- all while being on hold with AAA to cancel my service request, my trusty AAA service man pulls up, flashing lights and all. After realizing his arrival was a day late and a buck short, Stunad looks over the replacement wheel, compliments our change, apologized for the wait, and offers to lift the flat into the trunk of my vehicle. Gee, thanks.

Scene 5:The Flood
(Set scene: mid tire change, Kristin and Bob are in the ever building storm. The dog, we have now affectionately named Muffy, is sitting in the front yard, watching.)

Whilst my dad and I battle the elements to change my tire, essentially serving as human rain sponges, Mom calls. I answer mid spare-tire-hand-off, assuming it was to confirm the arrival of my father, but the true reasoning was anything but that, and instead I hear: “Where’s the tube for the Shop Vak, Uncle Dave is going under!” To all you non flood zoners out there, the previous sentence in normal language roughly translates as: “Uncle Dave’s basement is flooding fast. Where is the machine that rapidly sucks water out of a location, and when will you be home so we can go over to help them?” Add a dash of yelling, and a pinch of panic: and Voila, you have our conversation. Still in shock over the fact that I am getting this news while standing mid-tire change on the side of the road in the pouring rain, I panic and hang up. Looks like my real life Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride won’t be ending anytime soon.

Scene 6: Pizza?!
(Set scene: Kristin, now carrying pizzas into Uncle Dave’s house, is garmented in duck boots, rolled up jeans, a sweatshirt, and damp raincoat. Eye makeup has found a home anywhere on her face, but her eyes. House is filled with 8 people, all Shop Vaking and carrying buckets full of flood water out of basement. It is the North Pole for flood victims)

This is when I realized that God’s source of entertainment is my continuing bad luck. I am sucking basement flood water (complete with floating creatures and treasures) into an archaic Shop Vak which houses several holes. After brainstorming with my cousin (my future partner on The Amazing Race), we realized that transporting water our of the basement will either replicate a physical challenge on Double Dare or will require multiple bucket transfers in an attempt to remove the water. Ultimately we settle on the latter, and spend a majority of the night “ShopVak, transfer, move out, repeat”ing until the team realized that we weren’t making any progress. My herniated/ruptured disk(s) surely appreciated the exercise.

Scene 7: Bed
(Set scene: Kristin now showered, is pouring herself into bed.)

After rinsing myself of cat litter infused flood water, I prepped for bed when I realized that I no longer have a bed frame, but rather just a lone mattress dwelling in the middle of my room. Very friendly, if you ask me. While there has been no physical furniture in my room, besides the bed, for almost 4 months now, the frame has now joined its comrades, and has been removed from my room. As I lay on my mattress, not three inches off the ground, I can’t help but wonder when they are going to pad the walls and lock me in. That will make for an interesting blog entry.