(Wo)Man Vs Wild?

Them vs. Me: Shark Edition

This is a new form of blogging which I will take the actions of others and compare them to what I would have done, had I been in the same situation.

Today’s “them” is Chuck.

Me my Shark and I from Chuck Patterson on Vimeo.

And begin.

Chuck was circled by a couple of sharks while surfing in SoCal.
I would a) never go surfing in SoCal, and b) would high-tail it out of that water so fast as soon as I heard the jaws theme song. Girlfriend doesn’t need a mangled leg, we are already self-conscious enough, thank you.

Chuck decides to go back out at the exact same time the next day in hopes of finding more sharks.
I would never go into salt, or fresh, water ever again. Pools would be a stretch. Who knows, one could actually come out of the drain.

Chuck decides to sit in a small, very breakable, seal-like kayak.
If I were to ever get back into the water, which I wouldn’t, I would be wearing one of those mesh shark suits, inside of a Shark Cage, with a rifle so that if said shark were to somehow get into the cage, I could kill it before it killed me. “Cuz’ if I don’t kick his ask, he’s gonna come kick my ask.”

Chuck paddles very far off the coast.
I would stick to a safe knee deep area, unless accompanied by a shark get-rid-of-er.

Chuck sits in the midst of very murky water.
I would be sitting onshore with dry tanning oil, and a “Bahama mama” rum drink in hand.

Chuck mounts camera onto 10 foot pole so that he can further antagonize said sharks.
I would whisper sweet nothings to the sharks and throw huge tubs of bait far, far away from me so that the sharks would leave me the eff alone.

Chuck holds the camera under water once sharks appear.
I would immediately start crying, freak out, and inadvertently tip my kayak. Now, I am swimming with sharks.

Chuck is not scared of deafening silence, including the bubble noises heard once shoving the camera under water.
I had to mute the movie, because the sound affects were too scary for me.

Chuck is able to calmly pan from shark to shark to capture their “beauty.”
By now, I would have dropped camera, gone into a panic, and had a panic attack.

Chuck clearly hangs on to his oar, and is able to paddle freely while recording.
I would have accidently dropped my oar so that I am unable to escape from sharks.

Chuck is enjoying himself.
I would have thrown up in terror.

Chuck calls this an unreal experience that he will cherish forever.
I would call this the documentation of how I literally scared myself to death. The footage would need to be recovered after my drowning.