This morning I saw a huge male fashion no-no.
A man was walking into my office building wearing an entire suit a la denim. Cringe. Who could have possibly let “I-think-these-denims-totally-match” leave the house this morning.
My only answer? Clearly this man lives alone, most likely do to his other risky [but blatantly bad] fashion risks.
Since we all know how dedicated I have been to expanding my fashion horizon and taking small fashion risk-acitas, I decided it was only appropriate to make a list of major fashion yes-yes’ and no-no’s for the male population.
You are welcome in advance. I am talking to you, David Arquette.
Things Men Look Good In:
A Suit. Hello, do you not watch Mad Men? You can put a monkey in a fresh pressed suit and still find it to be moderately attractive. Suit = Successful = Goal Driven = Attractive. Isnt that what all of our mothers want us to find in a husband?
Flannel. You don’t think so? I do, and here’s why. A) Nothing says “I am man, hear me roar” more than a solid flannel shirt. Need someone to fix a fire or change a flat? Ten dollars says the man in the flannel can help. B) I am cold 97% of the time. Snuggling up with someone in flannel instantly makes me warmer. Therefore, those who wear flannel are more practical and comfortable than those who don’t.
Baseball Hats. Extra points if it is a New York Football Giants Hat. Super Extra Points if you have, or have had at some point, the lax flow.
Nantucket Reds. Provided you don’t look like you just rolled out of a Vineyard Vines Magazine, Nantucket reds look great in moderation. They say: “I care about how I look, but I am casual.” Same goes for boat shoes. A risk-acita is wearing them together, some can pull it off, some scream tool. I think its worth taking the risk.
A Baby...as in they are holding one. It is true. If you are good with babies, it is an easy point winner. Ask any female. Provided that it is not your baby, you automatically seem super sensitive and attractive if you can hold onto a baby without making it break out into tears. Extra points if you can get the baby to laugh.
The same goes for puppies. Instant chick magnet, but that isn’t anything new.
Things that men should never wear. Ever.
Excessive jewelry. Whoever told you that the large stud diamonds were a good look lied. I am talking to you, Chad Ochocinco. Women do not like it when you are wearing bigger, and more expensive diamonds than they are. Just a heads up. Similarly, those bulky chains? They do not work, and they will most likely give you scoliosis, which may inadvertently cause you to loose game because women generally dislike when men are shorter than they are. Just a friendly tip.
Skinny Jeans. Women do not like to feel larger than their prospective mates, nor do they like wearing clothing of the same label and/or style. Skinny jeans are meant to accentuate certain areas on a woman that should not be accentuated on men. Period. A man who wears skinny jeans also presents a completely new problem, in and of itself. Accidental matching. Um, hello, I do not want to have to call my boyfriend to make sure he isn’t wearing the same skinny jeans I am. That is just silly.
Hawaiian shirts. Unless you are at an Americanized Luau/frat party, or a camp director who is obsessed with Hawaii and its state fish – the Humuhumunukunukuapua'a (that’s for you, Joe Dinnemore) is time to put away the loud, floral, tablecloths. There is nothing flattering about a bright, loosely fit shirt complemented by khaki pants and flip flops.
Sweater vests. In the 8th grade, I learned very quickly that there are only two men in the world who can pull of a sweater vest. You are not one of those people. Who are they, you may wonder? Mr. Rogers and my grandfather.
Extreme Faux-hawks. Nuff said.
Football Jerseys, with the obvious exception being when you are at a football game. If it is June, you should not be wearing a Tom Brady jersey. Tom Brady is currently gallivanting around Boston with his supermodel “it should be the law to breastfeed” wife. If he isn’t concerned about football, you shouldn’t be…and neither should your wardrobe.
Camouflage. No one looks good in camo. In fact, the original intent of camouflage garb was to help people blend in with their surroundings. The only people who should be wearing camo (and look extremely attractive in said camo) are those who are serving our country. Here is a helpful motto: “You don’t serve, you don’t camo.” Very easy, to the point, and accurate.
Anything Ed Hardy. This just in: you are wearing another mans name scrawled across your chest. Just ad some bedazzled studs and you may find yourself in the middle of Ricky Martin’s “She Bangs” video. If anyone ever told you that you looked good in said EH shirt, they were most likely making commission off your pending purchase.
Messenger Bags. Do you find yourself physically delivering messages and/or singing telegrams? If not, loose the bag. There is no reason you should be carrying around anything but your wallet, cellphone, keys, and maybeeeee an engagement ring. The rest is baggage, and women don’t like men with more baggage than them…are you sensing a trend here?
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