why rent when you can walk?

Yesterday was a hard day.

I was required to get behind the wheel of a car and drive. This may sound simple and routine, but when my last driving escapade resulted in glass breaking and plastic cracking, it was more traumatic than I would have hoped.

PTSD?

Driving someone else’s car is always a foreign experience, especially when you drive a Saab. I am always immediately uncomfortable because, well, its not my own car.

Why driving a rental car sucks:

1. the unfamiliar [and often low] seat and mirror positioning. Perhaps my car just places its seating closer to the wheel than other models, but whenever I sit into a foreign seat, I automatically feel like I am attempting to drive like a badass, seat leaning way back, low to the ground. All I need to complete my look is some hardcore rap, a flat brimmed hat, and a [tin foil] grill. Word.
2. the different [and often peculiar] smell. Nothing says home like a rental that reeks of old cigarettes, cheep upholstery cleaner, and old [pine tree shaped] air fresheners
3. the awkwardly placed [and often hard to find] windshield wiper location. I understand that I am [just slightly] neurotic, but I have a hard time understanding why car developers relocate the location of the windshield wipers with every new car made. Why is it that some choose to place the blinker in the same spot where their predecessor thoughtfully placed the wipers in the model before it? Doesn’t it seem counter productive to constantly relocate important car functions from model to model? I often find myself on a semi scavenger hunt looking for all the vehicular basics I may need. Think you found the blinkers? Surprise! It’s the windshield wipers!
4. the fact that I am unable to find the keyhole to start the car. Why is it particularly difficult for us Saab drivers to adjust? Because the key hole is in a completely different place. Normal cars have their key hole located behind the wheel; we opt for vehicles who choose to be different, placing the key hole in the center console. The very act of starting and shutting off a foreign car serves as a stagnant and constant reminder of the mistakes I have made over the past 72 hours. Can’t find the key hole? Maybe you shouldn’t have taken Sass on a joy ride into the back of the car in front of you!
5. the fact that I believe everyone who looks at me while I drive the rental is now judging me. Yes, Lady Driving Range Rover With Oversized Sunglasses, I got into an accident and am now driving this P.O.S., get over it.
6. the radio presets are not my own. Never has there been a Latino or AM station on my preset, yet with every rental I have had, somehow these delightful favorites have made their way to the spotlight. I immediately, and often times spitefully, reset my rental’s preset. Take that, Shakira!
7. Rental cars serve as a reminder to your problem. Unless you frequently rent cars while away, rental cars are only used when there is a problem with your own car. Rental car equals problems; problems equal money; money equals stress; therefore, rental car equals stress. Did you follow the direct correlation?
8. Rental cars make me doubt my ability to safely operate a vehicle. I am a safe driver; however, something has happened to my original vehicle, and I am now required to drive this P.O.S until they are able to fix whatever I did to you. Good job.
9. Rental cars remind me that I am the one at fault for being stuck in said rental car. Every time I get into a rental car I usually say something self deprecating to myself, such as: “Self, you have no one to blame but yourself.” or “Lets remember how crappy you feel at this particular moment so that we refrain from damaging the car again.” You know, so if I ever feel like getting into an accident for fun, I will remember to avoid doing so.
10. Because its not my car. This may come across as semi psychotic, but I love my car and I miss it when I don’t have it. Insert my ongoing wish to time travel.

All in all, having a rental car is never fun. That being said, I am so glad that my insurance is kind enough to not cover me for a rental, thereby not subjecting me to such horrors. I would much rather bum around and need to beg loved ones to drive me and/or let me borrow their cars. (Insert sarcasm here.)