GooGoo For GaGa?

Lady GaGa needs to make one really good, honest [slightly neurotic, germaphobic] friend.

Why?

This is why.

Someone let her leave her house/mansion/overpriced hut wearing that.

Since no one else is willing to be, I am volunteering to be GaGa’s said really good, honest [slightly neurotic, germaphobic] friend.

Gaga, it is time to be frank when I tell you that your fashion risks are becoming unsanitary.

Lets, if only for a moment, forget about the giant slabs of meat that you wrapped around your body/appendages and called it fashion. We will come back to that.

Let’s start with last year first.

Yes, it was a smart PR decision for you to wow the crowd and captivate the spotlight whenever possible. You were up-and-coming, and needed all the exposure you could get, even if that did mean framing your face with a giant, white wreath. I will let that slide, because as your supportive, germaphobic friend, the only potential danger I would be worried about is if a bird mistakenly took your face wreath as a nest and began to build her home there.

As a friend, the first outfit I would like to talk to you about is this one.

Love the lace, love the cut, however that isn’t where my eyes are immediately drawn to. Agree? I wish you had told me that your outfit was to include a frontal crown, described somewhere between Max’s headdress in “where the wild things are” and Wilson from “Castaway.” I would have been a true friend and told you that maybe there were better options.

Your hair after your removed said crown, looked fantastic. Who let you put that awful thing over your head?!

Oh, and as a friend, I wont even bring up your whole bleeding onstage saga. A true friend will just let you forget that ever happened. You are welcome.

Moving onto some of your other spectacles over the past year.

Your sister’s graduation.

Who said this was a good look?

I get it. Your high school years were tough, and you wanted to send a message to all those mean girls who terrorized your life during your days at your alma mater. Newsflash: they won’t be there, and they already know that they effed up and now will never get free concert tickets or perks. I don’t think you need to wear an outfit of mourning to your sister’s graduation to prove how miz you were when you went there. I think your multi-million dollar empire speaks for itself.

Plus, as a friend, I think its important to let your sister be the center of attention for once. Maybe this is the mother in me, but perhaps on her one day to shine, you could have let the spotlight focus on her, if only just for a moment. This may have been your opportunity to set her free from behind that giant shadow of yours. No? No, you are right, you should have all of the attention, all of the time.

Now lets move on to Sunday’s major malfunction.

Yes, I understand your intention of creating a personal statement through your outfit. I do not, however, understand the logic behind using raw meat as the fabric, and below is a list of reasons why:

1. um, its raw meat?
2. PETA will be pissed. Unless you someone walking behind you, reading a disclaimer citing that no actual cows were harmed in the production of this dress, don’t be surprised when PETA people show up and throw red paint all over you at your next red carpet event. You know better than that, girlfriend.
3. The smell. I am sure all of your neighbors appreciated your stench after you had been sitting in raw meat after a few minutes. I’m sure that felt equally as wonderful.
4. Disease. Maybe I am being selfish, but the sight of you hugging people in your gown du cow made me feel nauseous. I am your friend, but friends don’t make friends hug them when they are draped in raw meat. Everyone knows that. Yes, it was baller when you asked Cher to hold your meat purse, but it won’t be so baller when Cher ends up with Mad Cow’s disease. Just Sayin’.
5. The high risk of a wolf attack. You are a walking butcher’s shop, and asking for it. Might as well chum the water and jump right now, diva.