Stop Bed-Bugging Me!

My newest mission?

To find myself a [clean, flood proof, bug proof, fire proof, thief proof, option to use as a studio apartment in the event of an emergency] storage unit for when I move out of my apartment and back home to save for a few months. Sigh.

Luckily, I love my roommates, I mean parents, and so I am sure this will be a smooth transition.

At any rate, this storage unit situation is causing me much anxiety [like you are surprised.] The whole situation is just one giant anxiety attack waiting to happen. Lets forget for a moment that I have an extreme phobia of strangers touching any of my furniture, and think about how I am putting all of my belongings into a random, dark closet.

Inner monologue occurs as follows: “Self, what happens if you get a sketchy storage unit, or if you get one that doesn’t have moisture control and all of your prized possessions are ruined? What if it gets really hot and everything melts? What if a homeless man breaks in and sleeps on my bed and uses my dishes? What happens if there are bugs?”

Bugs. My ultimate fear. My fear of having bug infested possessions is enough for me to move everything home with me. If it were up to me, I would put everything in my room if only to reduce the risk of my lying away at night, wondering if there are tarantulas mating in my underwear drawer.

The recent bed bug epidemic in the country further escalates said fear of mine.

What if my stuff is invaded by bed bugs? My life would be over. I could never recover from that. I would perpetually itch for the rest of my life.

My solutions?

Well, clearly my bed is no longer going to the storage unit. That just is not going to happen.

So, I came up with the following ideas so that when challenged by my parents, I mean roommates, I was ready for battle.

• Put mattress under my existing bed. This is something I thought of while falling asleep worrying about whether I contracted bed bugs from the movie theater I had just been in. Obviously it was important for me to measure, right then and there, if my mattress would fit under my bed. As expected, I deduced that the mattress wouldn’t fit [based on my in-the-dark, roll-to-the-floor, and blindly-eyeballed measurement.] Plan 1 status: fail.
• Stack my mattress and box under my existing bed. Sure, it may look silly and I might need a forklift to get in and out of it, but my spare mattress will be bed bug free. Plus, it pulls out into a guest bedroom fairly effortlessly.
  Put the mattress in the basement. While this may sound counter productive, our basement, affectionately called Man’s Land, is actually remarkably clean and, more importantly, bed bug free. Knowing that this argument was one that I was sure my parents wouldn’t agree to, I prepared to present this option last as a backup, shortly followed by tears.
• If the mattress had to go in the bed bug farm, I mean storage unit, then I would insist that I protect my mattress from the elements in some way. Airtight, ain’t no way those bugs are getting in, vacuum sealed mattress cover [maybe double bag it just to be safe] seemed to be the most logical choice. At the end of the day, I would still need to get my mattress de-bed-bugged before ever touching it again. This options seems to be getting progressively more expensive. Lets push for the more economical options, I mean we are in a recession.

Ultimately, when it came down to discussing the options, I had vastly over prepared [gee, shocking.] My parents gave in to my “mattress needs to be protected” argument rather quickly, I think fully knowing that I would rather leave my mattress leaning up against the exterior of our house, than have it resting in a potentially moldy, bed bug infested, breading ground. Thanks but no thanks.

The final decision? To the basement she goes. No princess and the pea for this princess.