Sass:5, Kristin: 0

My morning in self dialogue:

6:30AM: “TGIF. Its not raining and I’m not hungover. Yesssss”
7:00AM: “I was ready early this morning, so I will have time to stop for a starbucks treat en route to work. Going to need it for the crazy night that is sure to ensue” [should have known then, all car problems occur when I am overly optimistic and once I decide to reward myself with calorically rich goodies. Hi, car accident.]
7:10AM: “Did the valet guy just tell me that my car wont start? This is one of those situations where I can’t giggle and pretend to understand what he said. Maybe this is an opportunity for me to practice my Spanish?!”
7:10:30AM: “okay so he is definitely saying my car won’t start. Silly valet-driver-guy, of course it will start. I will show you, Jose [yes, that is his name, not an incredibly stereotypical self assigned nickname.]
7:12AM: “This car better start or I am going to look like an idiot”
7:13AM: “This car is definitely not going to start. Excellent.”
7:13:30AM: “No Jose, the car isn’t broken, the car battery is just dead, which means that somehow after the evening valet-driver-guy parked my car, the battery magically drained. Yet another special shout out to the night valet guys [also guilty of popping my tire(s)], who seem to treat my car with complete respect. Although I want to say this to you Jose, you are the morning valet-driver-guy and you are my buddy. I will not place blame on you, since you are merely the messenger, not to mention that you call me ‘mamacita rubia,’ which I thoroughly enjoy.”
7:15AM: “Oh, we can totally jump start the car. God, I am so smart!”
7:16AM: “I think valet-driver-guy is saying he will help me jump it, which is excellent since I don’t even know where the battery in my car is, never mind how to jump mine using another vehicle, nor would I have another vehicle to jump it with without the permission of said valet-driver-guy. Overall, I am helpless.”
7:17AM: “Last time I jumped a car successfully, the car had started by now, and that annoying clicking had gone away. I’ll take this as an unsuccessful attempt.”
7:17:30AM “Really Sass, really? Can we not get through one month without having some crisis involving me calling AAA and asking for a truck that will fit into my low clearance garage?!”
7:19AM “Um, where is my AAA Card? Oh, it must be in the apartment, looks like I have to trek back there…and I’m putting on Uggs and no one can stop me.”
7:26AM: “Okay, so my AAA card isn’t in my apartment, maybe I left it in the car?”
7:35 AM: “The friggen card is most certainly not in the car. Oh, that’s right its in my other purse. That makes complete sense.”
7:45 AM: “AAA will be here so fast, it probably makes no sense for me to go inside the apartment.”
8:25 AM: “On second thought, maybe I should have gone inside.”
8:27 AM: “Kristin, thank you for picking last night to be the one night you decide to not charge your phone. Lets hope AAA calls prior to my phone dying. Just incase, better call them and give them a secondary number since we know I’m not lucky enough for my phone to last.”
8:30 AM: “I wonder if I should tell the valet guys that I can understand Spanish, and know exactly what they are saying? Nah, its more fun eavesdropping.”
8:32 AM: “Well, way to blow your ‘I don’t speak Spanish, I am just a blond ditz” cover. Maybe next time you should avoid laughing at jokes when they are in a private conversation in a different language.”
8:40 AM: “AAA called before your cell died. The day is starting to look up?”
8:45 AM: “Self, you just approached a truck and awkwardly waves and pointed toward the garage. Said truck was not the AAA truck you thought it was. You now look like one of those people who talks to themselves in an animated matter on the side of the street. New life low.”
8:54 AM: “Kris, if you are really nice to Chris, the repair man, maybe he will fix the battery for you without you needing to purchase a new one.”
9:00 AM: “Fail.”
9:10 AM: “well, at least they recognize my voice when I call Sullivan Tire, and can immediately squeeze me in and shuttle me to work. Why is it that I get VIP treatment in all the wrong places?!”
9:30 AM: “Kristin, please abide by the speed limit, if you get pulled over, you will be unable to turn your car off without it stalling. Further, the police will find you to be a threat because I’d be refusing to turn my car off and acting recklessly and screaming that you can’t shut the car off. This would trigger the defense training in the police officer, and next thing you know my hands are outside my driver’s side window, where the police officer can see them. In summation, don’t speed.”
9:50 AM: “Self, did you really just justify to the Sullivan-Tire-shuttle-guy that his Sunday to Monday weekend is legitimate because you can watch all of the football games on Sunday, including the night games?”
9:51 AM: “Um, I think that my obvious love for football has increased Sullivan-Tire-shuttle-guy’s interest in me substantially. So noted.”
12:00 PM: “My eyes are rolling into the back of my head. I’ll go to Starbucks during lunch and get myself a little treat….wait….”