RIP Vienna and Jake.

This just in.

Vienna and Jake have split up. Is anyone surprised? Doubtful.

Jake, here is one big, fat “We told you so” from the entirety of your female audience.

Lets compare, shall we?

Meet Tenley, the dancer gone college FIDM Admissions Director. When Tenley isn’t too busy being an admissions director of one of the most prestigious design schools in the country, she enjoys dancing and playing with puppies (okay, I made that last one up, but I mean she definitely likes playing with puppies.)

Biggest flaw? She speaks like she is straight out of a Disney movie, and doesn’t have a day that doesn’t include pillow fights, rainbows, feathers, lollipops and other happy, pretty things (I mean, that has got to get annoying sometime, right?)

Meet Vienna, the college sorostitute gone, well, white trash. Prior to the show, Vienna resided in the FLA, where she lived with her [seemingly creepy and partially incestual] father and newly purchased boobs [paid for by her deployed ex…welcome home, hunny!]

Biggest flaw? Um, do I have to pick just one?

So Jake, who do you pick to spend the rest of your life with? The 26-year-old Disney Princess who has never sworn in her life and is looking for true love and a family, or the 23-year-old up and coming actress/“Oh, you may have seen me on ‘Girls Gone Wild: Season 2’ ”/model, who is still looking to model for Playboy?

Good choice Jake, I definitely would have chosen Vienna too, dink.

Jake will join his other 13 Bachelor gone-wrong colleagues, who also haven’t been able to stay with the “soul mates” they found while on the show. Meanwhile, Trista, the first bachelorette, is still happily married to the heartthrob she chose many years ago.

My Celebrity Rider

After reading about how little Lady GaGa requires to keep her satisfied on the road, I thought it was only appropriate to build my own celebrity rider. You know, for when I become famous and am required to suddenly travel extensively throughout the world…

While I have done extensive research on many celebrity road requirements slash judged divas on the ridiculous things they require venues to provide in order to appease them, (19 six foot tall leafy green plants, really Paul McCartney?) I have yet to figure out the length of time each rider covers. That being said, my rider will include all items I will need in order to please me and my [extensive, yet very intimate] entourage before, during, and after my shows.

Kristin’s Celebrity Rider:
(please note, celebrity rider is built as though I weight 115 pounds and am at no risk for weight gain, obviously)

The Healthy:

• Grapefruit, peeled (yes, I eat them like oranges)
• Veggie spreads
• Fruit spreads
• Large strawberries (you can forget those little, dinky ones)
• Grilled chicken and salmon
• Sliced turkey meat
• Multi-grain bread
• Cheerios with skim milk
• bananas
• lots of bottled water, but not evian...(Evian is naive spelled backwards, and everytime I drink it, I feel conned.)

The Sweet

• Cadbury mini eggs ( I don’t care if they are only made seasonally)
• Swedish fish
• Fully stocked Ben & Jerry’s bar
• Raspberry jam

The Salty

• Gold. Fish, cheddar and parmesan. (when you think you have bought enough, grab 4 more boxes…)
• Smartfood and/or Cool Ranch Doritos
• Mikeys Special with several ranches, and one bleu cheese (Available at Sergi’s Pizza, Canton, NY, 315-386-4581)
• Extra Chunky Peanut Butter
• Pretzels, not the thin rods and/or oyster crackers (only from the blue box)
• A quesadilla bar

The Bevys

• Crystal light, lemonade
• Polar seltzers and diet bevys
• Fresca
• Absolut Boston (good luck with that one…it’s a limited edition item, sigh)
• Kettle One Vod
• Tanqueray gin

The Entertainment

• An elliptical somewhere on the premises
• A rad 80’s dance mix, and speakers to play it on
• The “ya, you’re welcome” lady from the pub
• Required after show theme party

Ready, Set, Buy!