Saab 9-3

I am a Boston commuter and that means one thing: I am forced to drive on I-90 daily. Below are the things I think about more often than not while commuting to Framingham and back every day. Any true commuter will agree with me on many of the following observations, and here begins my Boston ranting:

The Good:
Pro: Its familiarity. As a native JOB resident (Just outside of Boston, for all you nons), I have always associated interstates 90, 95, and 128 with being close to home…the hub of the United States. As long as someone can get me to the Mass Pike, I will be able to find my way home. So, Mazel Tov, Mass Pike, for being a beacon of light toward home for so many years and counting…

Pro: It’s a one stop shop: I get on the pike at my apartment, and 2 (expensive) tolls later, I exit the pike at work. Simple, easy, and a good transition into my workday.

Pro: Once I arrive at work, I feel less stressed at my desk than I did for the previous 30-45 minutes of my life behind the wheel. Same goes for when I arrive home. Small life victory.

The Bad:
Con: Two words: Pot. Hole. Yes, I know we are in the 42nd year of the Big Dig, and don’t get me wrong, I love the new tunnel to the airport…but the conditions of Massachusetts state roads are atrocious. Driving to the airport is like a real life, real consequence version of Mario Kart. Your mission: get brother to airport on time. Level one is avoiding pot holes and construction details, while being able to maneuver your vehicle between lanes and beating traffic; level two adds things falling from above, like tunnel tiles and rocks from overpasses. Finish line= Ted Williams tunnel, which provides a brief moment of relief, only to be interrupted by a feeling of impending doom when I realize that the only thing separating me from millions of gallons of ocean water is a concrete wall made by the same people who can’t properly adhere tiles to the top of a tunnel. Panic!

Con: The traffic: Eastbound, Westbound, 9AM, 1PM- there will always be traffic one way or another. There is a permanent centrifugal force that drives cars to the pike and keeps them there at ALL HOURS of the day (and who says I didn’t retain anything from physics, Mrs. Mills.) Think you can beat the traffic by leaving 4 hours early for a Bruins game? Wrong, because half the people going to the Bruins game have thought of the same thing, as have the commuters who are trying to avoid the same traffic as you…so now instead of 2 hours of bumper to bumper white knuckle driving, there is now a glacially moving 4 hour pile up, starting at the Weston State Police Barracks and shuffling through to 93.

Con: The billboards: The pike billboards bother me for two reasons: one being that they are completely and totally distracting, as if Massachusetts drivers need yet another reason to take their eyes and concentration of the road; the other being that each and every billboard is a nagging reminder that I am slowly going blind. Let’s tackle the distraction of billboards first, shall we? Being a young marketing professional, I completely appreciate the need for guerilla marketing in an urban, well travelled area, and often find myself admiring many of the billboards I see, but that is a separate topic for another day.

The megatron videoscreen popping out of the New Balance building is not only completely overpowering and bright, but it has yet to display any actual advertising message. While I do love looking at gigantic photos of the WHDH team and black/white photos of babies crying, I find that I spend a significant amount of time waiting for the picture to change, and less time with my eyes on the road. Have they intertwined a hypnotic component that I should be aware of? Maybe, maybe not, but what I can tell you is that I don’t want Bob, the guy driving the 18-wheeler mac truck next to me, to also have fallen into the hypnosis of the movie screen and lost focus of the little black Saab I am driving on his immediate left. Thanks, but no thanks.

The billboard is also a constant reminder of my ophthalmological needs. The blurry billboard issue really has nothing to do with the structure itself, besides the fact that I feel like it is taunting and mocking me for being unable to see it clearly. Every time I read one, or try to rather, I remember I cannot find my glasses and that my eyesight is slowly fading because I am too stubborn to either a) schedule an appointment and buy new ones, or b) find my functioning pair. I know once I choose to do either option, preferably the latter, I will look at these same billboards and give them a giant “Can’t fool me, pig,” but for now I dislike them…and will continue to do so.

Con: The fact that no matter which lane I drive in, it automatically becomes the slow lane. This however, can morph into a pro once I pass the driver and shoot them the “you are the worst driver ever” look. One point Kristin. How is it that Caravans never seem to realize that they are being aggressively passed by cars on both the left and the right?

The Ugly:
Call me crazy, but I have always thought that someday while stuck in traffic (see: The Bad), I would just happen to pull up next a shiny beemer, with a dashing, tall, dark and handsome Prince Charming sitting behind the wheel. Clearly he would throw his phone number up against his window, and we would live happily ever after. That might happen in LA, but it will never happen on the pike. Ever…unless your type is the grungy, slightly overweight, HVAC white van driver, and in that case- game on.

Why not just keep my eyes on the road and shut up? Because I am a masshole, and we don’t do that here.