My life is currently an episode of “True Life: I have a food allergy or am an extreme hypochondriac.”
Its so fun.
Right now, the prime suspect for my constant exhaustion/sore and itchy throat/weird itchy spots on my skin/did I mention complete and total exhaustion? looks to be wheat and/or gluten products.
Yes, you heard me correctly; that means there is the potential for me to have a gluten allergy [and I will become that girl that is allergic to everything….and lets be honest here, no one likes that girl.]
If anyone ever tells you that a gluten-free diet is easy, they are lying. Bold face lying.
As if I didn’t have enough food envy prior to my glu-tardness, [I am talking to you skinny girl eating the giant bacon cheeseburger with fries while I’ll have the salad withthedressingonthesidethanks] I now have it at almost every meal I eat.
Want a sandwich? Nope. Beer? Nope. Cereal? Nope. Crackers? Nope. How about a salad with croutons? Nope. Maybe some soup? Probably not.
You get the idea. Life sans gluten has been challenging, but I will continue to do so because I am feeling better*.
If you haven’t had the gluten conversation with me yet, here are some common phrases to avoid when we do have the inevitable conversation.
Are you sure you have an allergy? No, [insert name of aspiring medic here], I am not certain it is a gluten allergy, hence the elimination of gluten to find out if it is the culprit. I am fairly confident that my allergist knows what he’s doing, being that its his profession and all.
Oooohhh! You are going to lose so much weight? I am on week 2.5 and have seen little to no weight loss, so this comment immediately makes me feel defeated. I know that people mean for this to be a positive aspect to the obviously negative, but really after hearing it 35+ times, all I hear right now is “maybe this will help you lose some weight, fatty!”
So does that mean you can’t eat, like, pasta? That sucks! My reaction to that? “That’s, like, exactly what that means. Thank you for pointing out the obvious fact that my new potential way of life is, like, now going to be subpar.” I haven’t figured that out in the past 3 weeks.
Oh, yeah I feel like that sometimes, are you sure its not just in your head? I know as well as you do that I am most likely completely crazy and/or just slightly neurotic about most health related issues, and well, most life issues in general. This is one of those situations where I am completely comfortable in saying that I am not going crazy, thank you very much. It is comforting to know that you know that I have full conversations with myself [now I don’t have to hide it anymore!].
You just need some exercise. Well, I’ll be damned. You are right! I am just too busy being a fattyfattynomnomnom to even fathom that my lack of exercise could be the route of my problems.
You are making a big deal about nothing. I was battling with how I could cry for help and/or plea for attention and I decided that the best route in doing so would be through a gluten intolerance. Much more believable than some of my other ideas!
What are some good things to say?
“well, at least vodka is still on the list!”
“CHOCOLATE IS GLUTEN FREE.”
“my cat is allergic to gluten, let me know if you want to start a support group.”
“My very single, wealthy, attractive, humorous and successful brother is also a glu-tard looking for a wife who is also a glu-tard! And he has a boat, and owns a private island”
[insert something witty, but slightly self-depricating to make me feel better]
Okay, rant over.
*better meaning that I no longer think about sleeping for the entirety of my day, no longer need to force myself to stay awake until 8PM, and no longer have the sore throat that I have had since…well, 1999.
No comments:
Post a Comment