September? Is That You?!

I vow to never complain about cold weather again.*

No, seriously, this heat wave has just gotten completely out of hand.

In June, the meteorologist predicted that the upcoming summer would be the hottest Boston had seen in years. Being that it was raining and 35 degrees during his forecast, I gauked and moved on…plus we all know how I feel about the ever recession/error-proof career that is meteorology. They don’t know jack.

Now, that were 48 hours into August, I can safely say that the weatherman was right. [yes, I will let you relish in that for a few minutes, Harvey Leonard.]

I mean, how was I to know that we would completely skip spring, and go from winter directly into mid-summer?

That being said, these are the things that I will not miss about oppressive heat. Let’s not confuse said heat with summer. I love summer, I do not love living in a life-size pizza oven.

I will not miss:

• Sweating while blow drying my hair. While my solution [sitting in front of my fan whilst drying] has served as a wonderful temporary solution to my hair-is-already-sticking-to-the-back-of-my-neck problem, I am excited to not feel menopausal while trying to beautify.
• Having to peel my bare legs off of hot surfaces, such as hot car seats, outdoor chairs, restaurant booths etc, etc. I am already intimately acquainted with how my legs interact with surfaces. No need to heighten the awareness with a subtle peeling noise when I stand up.
• It stinks. No, not like it stinks, but that it actually stinks. I stink, you stink, we stink together. New York City in oppressive heat smells like one collective vat of warm trash. Ew.
• Getting into the humid hellhole also known as my car. I mean, I don’t mind the 115 degree thermometer reading inside my car, and I can handle my sunglasses fogging up from an immediate/intense temperature/humidity change. Heck, I can even handle the hot seat silently burning my toosh. It’s when I get third degree burns from the seatbelt, followed by my steering wheel that I start to have a real problem…I can only drive while draping a t-shirt over my steering wheel for so long before I have a serious accident.
• Trying to sleep when it is the temperature of convection oven in my room. Cold showers can only go so far.
• It almost being too hot to tan. I said almost. I’ll endure the heat to be a bronze goddess, but I would prefer to be able to do it without feeling sweat beads fall down my legs. Fine, Mutha Naycha, I’ll just park it in the ocean. I can veg in a large body of water just as long as the next tan girl.
• Sweating when out at night. Come on, outdoor bars are supposed to be refreshing, not make-shift saunas.
• It being too hot to cook, therefore resorting to eating no-need-for-cooking dinners such as ice cream, cereal, and ice water.
• Chaffing/Swass. Enough said.
• Running/walking/laying outside while also feeling like my chest has been compressed by a 15 pound weight. If laying in the sun causes pressure, you know this girl ain’t running anywhere outdoors.
• Dressing to answer this question: “self, will you sweat in this outfit, and if so will you be able to see said sweat?"
• Being too hot with the car windows down, too cold with the windows up. How am I supposed to belt country in traffic when I don’t have wind blowing in my hair? It’s. Not. Possible.
• Everyone is grumpy. Hence this vent session a la blog.
  

The old saying goes: “You can put more layers on than you can take off.” I welcome the days when I can put on a sweater and feel better.

*Disclaimer: this blog isn’t to say I won’t complain about extreme cold and/or snow. We all know that is probably just not realistic.