My Quarterback Is More Manly Than Yours

There are certain consumer products that athletes just should not be spokespeople for.

Under Armor? Appropriate.
Nike? Appropriate.
Wrangler Jeans? Appropriate.
Male Ugg Boots? NOT APPROPRIATE. I am talking to you, Tom Brady.

You play football, Tom. You get dirty. You say things like “27.32. Hike.” You wear a jock strap. These are all manly things. You are the epitome of the alpha male, and have been since your entrance into the NFL.

Since your marriage to Giselle, however, you have gotten in touch with your more feminine, metrosexual side.

I didn’t say anything when you told reporters to speak to your [supermodel, ridiculously attractive, wears the pants in the relationship] wife re: your new, slickback hairdo, but it is time to say something now.

Who decided that it was a good idea for you to be a male Ugg Boot spokesperson? I understand that you may enjoy wearing Ugg boots on a cool New England evening, but that is not something that you, as an alpha male, should be admitting.

Why? Because you’re reputation as a whipped male is already in full swing…and this newest PR move will not help.

Uggs= fashion= womanly.

Therefore, being a spokesperson for Uggs makes you womanly by default, regardless of the [no doubt ridiculously huge] size of the check made out to you and the fact that you get free Uggs for life.

Is Eli Manning repping Secret? Um, no.
Is Peyton Manning repping BCBG? No [he is too busy repping every other company that puts a dollar figure in front of him.]
Is Michael Vick repping Juicy Couture? No.

And so, I leave you with this question, Tom: what is next in your career?

Superbowl, or a pending contract with Tampax?

I’m hoping for the latter, just to drive my point home.