Ive come to
terms with the fact that there is one condition where I feel completely
comfortable driving – and that is when I am in the passenger seat.
Unsatisfactory
driving condition breakdown, ahem:
When I am in a hurry
My life is a
string of activities held together by unrealistic travel times; therefore, a majority
of my life is spent trying to get somewhere faster than it is physically
possible. Again, we stumble onto my reoccurring problem with unrealistic
expectations, or in this case, commuting realities. My apartment to my parent’s
house in 25 minutes? Sure! Work in
Framingham to my apartment in Boston in less than 45 minutes at 5:00 on a
Friday? Doable. Boston to the Martha’s
Vineyard ferry in less than two hours? Totally
realistic. It is also imminent that I will hit the worst traffic when I am
in the biggest hurry [please see When in
traffic.]
What happens
when I am driving in a hurry:
Oh hey,
constant state of anxious panic! I’ve missed you. Elevated heartrate? Check.
Compulsively switching lanes to keep from breaking? Check. Yelling at
the car in front of me? Check.
Constantly staring at the clock?
Check. Either listening to music
really loudly, or accidentally sitting in complete silence? Check. Doing all this while also looking for
undercover staties? Check.
When I am in traffic:
I am not a
good traffic driver. I absolutely abhor sitting bumper to bumper for no
apparent reason other than a minivan with a flat tire in the breakdown lane. Bostonians are naturally a curious, some say
noisy, breed; combine inbred curious personalities with awful driving technique
and you’ll get the perfect set up for an additional accident due to staring at
said mini-van. There is nothing to see,
fellow drivers. Less looking and more
foot-to-gas-pedal, please.
What happens
when I am driving in traffic?
Let the
games begin! As soon as I see brake
lights, I almost immediately fly into the lane that is moving the fastest and
try to ride on the coattails of the drivers in front of me to bypass traffic. Once I realize that I’m not going anywhere
anytime soon, I then pick a car in another lane and race it…while in traffic. The
game changes when I am in a rush, to which I then become that girl who rides
the bumper of the car in front of me in hopes of getting them to go faster, you
know, because its their fault that I am sitting in traffic with only 15 minutes
to get home.
When its raining:
95% of
Massachusetts drivers panic and/or completely forget how to drive when any form
of moisture falls from the sky. It is
water, people, not molten lava. Regardless, rain means windshield wipers, windshield
wipers mean distracted driving, distracted driving means traffic. I hate
traffic [please see When in traffic –are
we sensing a trend?]
What happens
when I am driving in the rain?
Since my windshield
wipers now work, a majority of my drive consists of my smiling at said functioning
windshield wipers, and giving Gertrude in the Subaru in front of me plenty of space as she
breaks for puddles.
When its monsooning:
Rain is one
thing, but outright downpours are another. No one likes driving while being
unable to see.
What happens
when I am driving in a monsoon?
White
knuckle driving, hands at ten and two. No talking. Most likely on the verge of
tears.
When its snowing:
I am better
at driving in the snow than you are, I can dig my car out faster than you, and
I can get my car out of almost any snowed-in parking space. Yes,
I am talking to you. My vast experience
comes from father-taught skidding seminars, living in the arctic tundra
throughout my collegiate years, and one particularly bad 9 hour drive home from
Burlington, Vermont a la blizzard that has left me very confident in my
abilities to drive in the snow. I am not worried about my driving in the snow;
I am worried about yours.
What happens
when I am driving in the snow?
Space. Lots
of space happens in the snow. I give you space; you give me space; and we both
win when you go into a decent skid into the other lane, and I am able to stop
with nailing you. You are very welcome.
If the weather is considered blizzarding and requires actual attention, please
see When its monsooning.
When its dark:
For those of
you who don’t know, I am nearsighted and am in complete denial over the fact
that I need to wear my glasses in order to see far distances. Darkness
heightens my said blindness, yet I still never have my glasses with me when I
need them. Need me to read an upcoming
exit sign? Not going to happen.
What happens
when I am driving in the dark?
I lock my
doors (stranger danger), and start squinting a la Long Duck Dong.
Yes, that was just a reference to “Sixteen Candles.”
When I have acquaintance-level people in
the car:
Obviously, I
am completely comfortable driving around my friends and family – its when
friends-of-friends or acquaintances join that this blonde gets a tad
uncomfortable. Am I driving too
slow? Are they judging me for not using
my blinker? Do they think my radio
pre-set is sub-par? Are they concerned
that I am a hoarding out of my car? All of these thoughts monopolize my brain
while I have unfamiliar company in the car, when the majority of my brain power
should be actually spent concentrating on the road. Since passengers are most
likely only concerned with getting from Point A to Point B quickly and safely,
it becomes a mute point if they are enjoying my music selection if we slam into
the back of another car because I was fiddling with the radio. I digress.
What happens
when I am driving with other people in the car?
I am always
talking; shocking, I know. I think it is
my way of making sure they are entertained for the entirety of the car ride. What, its not normal wanting people to
reflect on their car ride fondly? Would
you mind filling out a post-ride survey outlining your Sass experience?
When its sunny:
You’d think
that a sunny day would be an anxiety free experience, but then I remember that
beautiful April day in 2010, when I technically totaled Sass…so then there’s
that…
At any rate, you can see how most likely shouldn't operate a motor vehicle at all since my attention is almost always focused on something other than the actual road.
(Disclaimer: I am actually a very good driver, I just hate doing it.)
